The Imperfect mother
“ Don’t go to work today pleaseee” wailed my 5 year old with tears in his eyes.
I could barely make eye contact with him. Feeling edgy and jumpy from inside, I manage to keep a straight face and say “My boss will be very angry, you know the same way your teacher gets angry if you don’t do homework..”
None of my words seemed to make sense and by pass his thoughts of letting me go to work. I hate every minute of dealing with this.
‘Is going back to work so important to me, my little kid will grow older some day and never want me so much as today God help’ is my cry from inside, but then I gather all my courage, stuff my bag, give my crying kid a hug and run out of the house closing the door behind. Outside I could hear his cry louder and clearer and my heart shudders at the thought of leaving him behind, an innocent small kid just wanting to be with his mom. I blink back my tears as I enter the lift and hurriedly leave my building premises.
I keep cursing myself for being ruthless and selfish. My mind is clouded with these thoughts ‘Am I doing the right thing?’, ‘Am I barely working for the money I get, putting aside my child’s happiness?’, ‘Have I turned into some money making heartless monster?’. I take a sharp breath and try to look out,at the roads from my vehicle, but in vain. Everything seems to be distant and blurred.
Angry at myself I reach out to my phone and dial my husband’s number and narrate the incident to him. He tries to calm me down, by being understanding and practical. But my mind is racing and I can feel my tears prick my eyes. With a huge burden in my heart I reach my office and to my desk. I do my usual rituals of filling water, logging into computer and reading emails. But my mind is somewhere else; still at my home with my child. I try hard to focus. The picture of my child crying his heart out refuses to go out of my mind. Somehow I try to connect with my work and move on. Tough though !
The day progresses in its as usual and my mind drifts from one thing to another, starting to feeling lighter
I go back home in a happy and joyful mood, thinking how happy my kid would be to see me back home. I open the door and exactly as I thought I see my kid jumping and dancing. I go over and hug his small frame, absorbing him, smelling his shampooed hair and feeling the world in my arms.
That night, I thought about my existence without being biased, and I realized I don’t just work for money. I work for myself. I am what I ought to be. I work not for being away from my kid or family, it’s for my very own sake. I am happy with what I am. I am happy for my existence, being a mother, a wife, a daughter, an engineer, a team member at work, a friend. I am proud of all that I can be. I am sure one day when my son grows up, he will be proud of me too. Every mother be it a home maker or not, will always gain that respect and love from their kids. A mother’s importance can never be taken away from a child.
As you read this, I am sure you being a mother or a father or a friend or any one for that matter will understand and relate to every mother’s dilemma. How much ever you do, you will always feel that it’s less for your own kids. So my message to all moms out there ‘Chill’. Believe me, you are doing your best, never blame or judge yourself. Don’t be harsh with yourself. Seek help from family members, friends whenever required. I am sure if you try you would surely get a helping hand. Don’t compare yourself with others, it hurts, no mom is perfect, yet for their child, “THEY ARE THEIR WORLD, irrespective of where they are and what they are”!